I'm Good Enough ... I'm Smart Enough ...

When you say the title of my post you automatically picture the Saturday Night Live character Stuart Smalley looking at his reflection in the mirror.

Positive affirmations are often a tool people are taught to use to help feel good about themselves. I have recently come to the realization that I never give myself positive affirmations. As a matter of fact I do the complete opposite. I look in the mirror and catch myself saying “God, I feel fat today.”  “My hair looks like a disaster.”  “Wow, I look haggard.”

One of the biggest fights of my life has been my weight. I have always been a chubby child, a pleasantly plump teenager and an overweight adult. 

Last year my husband and I had lost a fair amount of weight when we did a local weight loss challenge. I, myself, had lost nearly 40 pounds.  It was amazing!  It felt amazing! For the first time in my life I could walk into any store and buy a pair of jeans. You don’t know how good that feels when you often had to track down the plus-size section or the chubby girl’s store.

Shortly after my weight loss I found out I was having a baby. I was over the moon excited! However, I have to admit I was worried about the weight gain. Just ask any of my family. I was insanely obsessed with gaining too much weight. It was almost ridiculous how much I worried about it.

Thank all the stars in heaven I now am the mother to the most amazing little boy anyone could ask for. He fills my heart with warmth and love like I have never known. His face, his smile, the grip of his tiny hand on my finger all set my heart a flutter.

However, like many women the aftermath of pregnancy has left me with an additional 30 pounds I would like to see gone.

My son is now 3 months old and I have barely lost any baby weight. My clothes don’t fit, I feel sloppy all the time and I feel like a broke down car on the side of the road could use the spare tire I’m carrying around.

For the last month or two I have been focusing on losing weight. I have been working out and I have become a slave to counting calories. I haven’t lost much weight because I inevitably have found ways to indulge in the good things in life.  My anniversary called for cake and champagne, a random Wednesday night required me to have two margaritas (they were on special how could I say no).

Over the last few months I have found myself feeling guilty for thinking about eating “bad” foods, disappointed and sad at myself for actually eating the “bad” foods, apologizing to my husband for looking the way I do. All these terribly depressing feelings all over food and my weight.

I have come to the conclusion that I am my only “mean girl.” No one else seems to care how I look. No one else is calling me fat. No one else is saying I’m not good enough. It’s just me. My husband tells me everyday how beautiful I am and my son surely doesn’t seem to mind that I am carrying around some extra weight.

It’s funny how many times I have decided to put all my effort into losing weight, into working out, into avoiding the cake at a birthday party.  What I have come to realize is that I need to learn to put all that effort into accepting myself as I AM. 

I am a mother now. As a parent my job is to teach my child that he is perfect just as he is. That God made all of us and wanted us all to be special.  That no matter what anyone else says he is perfect.  How can I teach my child to be proud of himself when I am not proud of myself. How can I teach my child to accept himself when I am constantly tearing myself down.

This is not to say that I cannot be healthier or make smart choices when it comes to food. I still believe that exercising and eating right is a good way to life and a necessity to teach my child.  This post is not an excuse to be overweight. What this post is, is a statement that I am the girl who will always have larger hips that perhaps the girl who passes by me at Target. I’m the girl who will always be bigger than a size 8. I’m the girl who is going to eat the cake at the birthday party and enjoy it.

I am going to be the mom who teaches her child healthy eating habits but will still surprise him once in a while with fresh baked cookies when he comes home from school.  I am the wife who will cook in the kitchen with her husband and make a warm delicious comfort food meal on a cool fall day.  I am the girl who will have a glass of wine because she deserves it.

I am going to be the girl who will finally enjoy her reflection in the mirror rather than looking for the girl she would like to see.